With

With a clear and peaceful mind I can see where I'm going. With a clear and peacefully mind I can make sense of things I couldn't before. I can be productive, happy and feel good about my contribution to the world. I can focus my energy on myself, my work and bettering my life. With a mind that is no longer cluttered with "what ifs" and doubt, I can move forward. With a clear and peaceful mind I can accept things in the past for what they are and be in the present.

With a clear and peacefully mind I feel happy and hopeful. I will be the best possible me.

///

Just a little reminder for myself and anyone else who needs it today.

dwelling

 

Do you dwell? On stupid things, on more serious things.. just things? Cause I do. Running a situation or conversation over and over in your head. Working out possible hidden meanings and such. Hoping that you'll have an ah-ha moment and figure out what that person really meant. But what if they meant exactly what they said? No deep, dark explanation, just exactly what they said. It drives you crazy and makes you paranoid, sometimes upset and stressed out beyond belief. Why do we do this to ourselves? I need to learn to stop over-analyzing every single thing and just let it be. It will all work out. It has to.

There is something about this early morning fog that comforts and excites me. Seeing the sun pushing through the blurry thickness, knowing that in the next twenty minutes or so, it will have dissolved away.

There is something about sleeping with the windows open for the sole purpose of being woken by the voices of the birds. Chirping their little happy hearts away.

There is something about bare feet on the cold wood floors. About the freshly brewed coffee in the kitchen waiting to be sipped slowly.

There is something about my wet hair hanging over my shoulders, drying from the cool, thin breeze coming through the office window.

There is something about this easy-going yet productive, lovely and carefree feeling that gets me every time.

I hope it never leaves.

 

thoughts

"Give a girl the right shoes, and she can conquer the world." - Marilyn Monroe

"Breath in inspiration and trust yourself. The answer is yes you can." - Unknown

"And above all watch the glittering world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it." - Roald Dahl

"May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be." - St. Therese of Lisieux

HBN news + life debate

Some of my items are in a store! Yay! Yay! Yay!

The owner of a local dance store contacted me asking if I could make ballet bun covers. I had never crocheted one before, so I did a little research and replied with a giant "YES, of course I can!"

So after a lot of hard work, I made eighteen of them in three different sizes and delivered them to her shop. So now all of her little ballerina customers can buy my items. Isn't that fantastic?! I think it's pretty awesome.

 +

I've been having an internal debate with myself lately about if I should put my handmade business away in box and get a real typical day job. It's been a little over a year since I made the decision to do my handmade jewelry and crocheting for real and although I understand things don't happen over night, I am in fact a struggling twenty-something with many student loans that, unfortunately, don't pay themselves. Not having a regular pay check is a pain the you-know-what and when my bank account slaps me in my face, I can't help but doubt my decision to start this business fresh out of college.

Having someone contact me and order my handmade items has given me a glimpse of hope, however. I'm pushing harder than ever to advertise and send out mass amounts of post cards and brochures in hopes that this bun cover thing will catch on with other dance studios and shops. I am so grateful for a supportive boyfriend and family. Without them, I would have a hard time remembering why I quit my office job and started my own business. When I'm full of doubt and negativity, they gently encourage and remind me to keep working hard and that eventually it will pay off. Maybe not immediately.. but soon. And putting one hundred and fifty percent into it could only result in something good. 

So Thank You, Thank You, Thank You boyfriend & family -- I love you more than you know.

Day forty-one..

I kept thinking today about how I really wanted to blog when I got back to the apartment. Now that the familiar "new post" page is in front of  me, I can't think of any interesting or exciting things to tell you wonderful readers.

Well. I guess I'll start with this and see where it takes me.

Today was our last ballet class with Ms. Marino as well as our last Dunham class. I was worried that this day would never come. Or end. That somehow July 27, 2010 would continue to repeat and Dunham class would consume the rest of my life. These are honestly the types of things I think about during class to distract my brain from my convulsing body. 

Here are some of the other thoughts that float in and out during the worst hour and a half [sometimes hour and forty minutes] of my life:

"I don't think I can make it up five flights of stairs after this. Maybe I can walk up on my hands?!"

"How are we supposed to know who you are taking to when you say, 'No, not you, YOU!' We can't read your mind, nor can we see who you are starring at when we are only separated by half an inch of space."

"Good thing she can't hear what we are saying under our breath."

"Please God. I really don't think I ask for much, and maybe this is a very unreasonable thing to ask for, but please, please let me live through this."

"This has to be worse than giving birth."

"This kid keeps messing up. What the heck am I still doing this for. Ms. Peters better call him out so I don't have to do it again!"

"How can it only be 1:10?! Move faster clock! Come on and help me out!"

I'm sure I have more entertaining thoughts, I just can't remember them. That class is sort of a blur. By the time it was 1:36, she asked us to move to the center [class is over at 1:20 and the next class is at 1:30. AS. IF.] When we were doing the sort of "ritualistic" exercise [closing our eyes and rising up onto our toes, and back down again.. it's a lot harder than you think] I thought back to my very first Dunham class five weeks ago. I felt a rush of accomplishment and satisfaction. I couldn't do anything in that first class. I was stopping during exercises and feeling like a complete fool because I didn't think any of it was physically possible. After that first class I realized that what Ms. Peters was requiring us to do was entirely mental strength. Once you forced yourself fight through it [literally] and convinced your brain that it really wasn't that bad, your body could accomplish more than you ever thought possible. Today I just did it. There was no discussion in my brain. I told myself I was going to stay until she said "annnnnnd relax." I'm really proud of that. It's something that many of the dancers in our class and in the program don't understand yet. They are used to just stopping and when something is difficult. When I think about their motivation, I instantly connect it to their training. I make a mental note to never encourage that type of poor self discipline in my dancers.

As much as I really didn't like the class, I appreciate it. In a very strong love-hate relationship. I mean I really, REALLY hated that class sometimes. And now that I never have to take Dunham from Ms. Peters again, I can proudly say that it changed me, and although I seriously thought about not going, or walking out, I'm glad I stuck it out. 

[The only reason I'm saying this now is because I don't have to take it anymore. If I had written this post yesterday or last week, I wouldn't have said half of this things I am now.]

***

Three bittersweet days left : )

Thought for today..

"I have never loved what I do, more than I do at
This. Very. Moment."